I like to watch the Olympics because it gives me so much faith and hope in American public. Look what we can accomplish, world! See how these athletes are a product of their American upbringing? But, that confidence quickly becomes unfounded when I watch the Real Housewives shortly thereafter.
What is the female equivalent of cockeyed? Cuntirised?
Michael Phelps has become the most decorated Olympic athlete not because he has a relentless desire for glory, but because he has an insane attraction to shiny objects.
One bird in the hole is worth two in the bush. What is that, bird BDS&M? Hornithology?
I find it ironic that “ballerina” has the word “ball” embedded, much like its male partakers’ undescended testicles.
It seems these days the only way to succeed in the food industry is to follow the food trends, or create new ones. So, I will either set up a shop called Kitschen, where I sell gold-dusted cupcakes; or, I am going to have a new pop-up in a manhole cover in the East Village called Hobo Homefries, sold by real homeless men. The slogan: Pre-savored.
Ebony and Ivory: meet your third wheel, Rusty.
The term matchstick is used much too liberally. “Stick” implies wood and sturdiness, thus not applicable to that piece of shit flimsy cardboard that does not hold up to my attempted lighting.
I read an article recently that revealed President Obama is mayo-phobic, just like myself. I was relieved because I like to let the Obamas dictate my culinary choices, as I cannot afford the Romneys’ taste.
To function optimally, I need at least 6 hours of sleep, in class.
I think it is great that so many college graduates leave the comforts of the States to teach English in some foreign country. But really, do underprivileged children need to learn from the spoils of the first world? Teaching children should never serve as a stepping stone or resume booster, unless of course it is to teach them how to hand pick organic cotton and sew those rompers for your small boutique in Bushwick.
Did you know that if you TextTwist ® “Romney” you get “RMoney”? Well, I did. This would make a great rap alter-ego if he were just a little less white.