Disturbed Thoughts

thoughts of the day

If it doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong, can’t we just agree that I’m right?

If my family were super rich, I would have studied abroad in Switzerland to visit my bank account. I’m sure that vault would be bigger than my dorm room.

My natural aura is more super than others’

I have one black friend, but I am looking to meet someone more qualified for my diversity quota to round out my entourage – perhaps someone part Sioux. As soon as I do, she won’t be thankful for affirmative action anymore.

What vintage would you pair with my three cocktails?

The school health center may as well not exist. I went in with a fever and the nurse prescribed me with more cowbell. She must be on a Christopher Walken binge. I’ve been there.

I dream of being so successful that it ruins my life.

In the business of show, telling is boring – unless done with jazz hands

thoughts of the day

I tried to be my own image consultant, but I didn’t get much out of just looking in a mirror

Wouldn’t it be funny if the directions on Grow a Boyfriend Sponges read: “Wet to Activate”

I saw two homeless people making out and by instinct I yelled, get a room. Awkward.

I suspect my yogi cousin likes weed. I want to ask her, if your body is a temple, then where is the smoking section.

He could walk the walk. And talk the talk. But never at the same time.

My friend was so nervous about her interview that she started to sweat. To cheer her up I asked, shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? That went unappreciated.

I can’t promise I will change. But I promise I will pretend to change. (If that doesn’t get me elected to some office, I don’t know what will).

Do you think rabbit take each other’s feet for good luck?

I am so indecisive when it comes to choosing what to eat for dinner that my body often enjoys an appetizer of gnarling on my own stomach. That comes with a side order of bile and whatever was leftover from lunch.

thoughts of the day

I am not egotisitical – if I were to compare myself to a character of Greek mythology it would not be Narcissus. It would be Zeus.

I have long legs but I am not very fast. They are a gift that just do not give

 

I met a boy with such a weird family background – his bio is degradable

My dishwasher broke, I’m getting irritable bowl syndrome

 

Yo mama such an environmentalist she thought melancholia was cantaloupe blight threatening the last of the August crop. She was ready to raise awareness outside whole foods and various food co-ops.

I was sushed on the bus the other day because I was talking too loudly on my phone. Excuse me, this is not a library

 

When in an awkward situation, I unintentionally enter into an endless loop of awkward chuckling

New life motto: a suck up does not fix a fuck up.

I want to introduce more yogurt into my diet so that I may be more cultured

I worry I’m somebody who is nobody, and that makes it no fun to be around anybody who is a somebody.

thoughts of the day

Last night I spooned with a jar of peanut butter for lack of a boyfriend. Maybe this explains why I don’t have a boyfriend.

My ice cream fell off its cone today. Gravity, what a downer.

When push comes to shove, I am going to get you the fuck out. One way or another.

If I were a rapper, my alias would be B.Grudgin, in reference to my on-stage demeanor.

thoughts of the day

A penny for your thoughts. A dime for your dreams. So, what will a quarter get me?

The other night I was walking home late. Two black guys came around the corner. Then a Mexican came out of a bodega. I think there was an Asian somehow in the mix. I don’t say that because I’m racist. I just have an eye for detail. And color.

I took the liberty of telling a little birdy that my friends broke up! And that another friend is gay! And that you got those shoes at the outlet! That birdy may have been Twitter… It may not be that little.

I ate only the grapes in my chicken Waldorf salad. Does that mean I’m gay if I refused to put the meat and nuts in my mouth and went for the fruit?

Excuse me, are you trying to say something? Because all I hear is noise.

 

If there is an Art to fine dining & a Craft to beer, then screw crayons and sign me up for that summer camp activity.

 

Sometimes I think I’m a terrible person. Most of the time I don’t care

 

Make new friends, but keep the old ones. One is silver and the other is gold. So go ahead and de-friend those bronze losers on Facebook.

I have high hopes: I wish I had an edible right now.

I have many friends, but most are out of convenience.

I think I would make an intelligent and efficient secretary. I would spend the afternoon filing junk mail alphabetically in the shredder.

thoughts of the day

Could the modern equivalent of the phrase “nothing to write home about” be “nothing to text mom about”? As in, “Well, the food was all right but it was nothing I’d text mom about.” This term need be used sparingly, because there are many things that intrigue my mom.

 

Sometimes I find New York – where I live – overwhelming, and Maine – where I go to school - underwhelming. Why can’t I find in a place with adequate whelming?

Mask Maki should be the alternative to Cape Cod

Social Media is like a family related by the interweb. Facebook is the popular one, in the know of events and gatherings. Twitter is the incoherent slacker with no job or aim, muttering short phrases to himself and pretending that people are listening and engaged. LinkedIn is the successful one, abounding with business connections, but hasn’t quite yet learned how to be casual even around his own family. Pinterest looks great – always presentable – but never has much to add to the conversation. Myspace doesn’t show up anymore – he had an unfortunate accident a few years back and we don’t like to mention him at the dinner table.

The New Yorker inspired me to write a 10 page expose on the day in the life of this chair at Whole Foods on which I sit and write: from its birth in a factory in [Iowa] to being raised on the ground floor, to supporting the cheeks of skinny hippies and indulgent locavores. God would that be fascinating…

Am I still considered lazy if I am active on social media? 

thoughts of the day

I like to watch the Olympics because it gives me so much faith and hope in American public. Look what we can accomplish, world! See how these athletes are a product of their American upbringing? But, that confidence quickly becomes unfounded when I watch the Real Housewives shortly thereafter.

 

What is the female equivalent of cockeyed? Cuntirised?

 

Michael Phelps has become the most decorated Olympic athlete not because he has a relentless desire for glory, but because he has an insane attraction to shiny objects.

 

One bird in the hole is worth two in the bush. What is that, bird BDS&M? Hornithology?

 

I find it ironic that “ballerina” has the word “ball” embedded, much like its male partakers’ undescended testicles.

 

It seems these days the only way to succeed in the food industry is to follow the food trends, or create new ones. So, I will either set up a shop called Kitschen, where I sell gold-dusted cupcakes; or, I am going to have a new pop-up in a manhole cover in the East Village called Hobo Homefries, sold by real homeless men. The slogan: Pre-savored.

 

Ebony and Ivory: meet your third wheel, Rusty.

 

The term matchstick is used much too liberally. “Stick” implies wood and sturdiness, thus not applicable to that piece of shit flimsy cardboard that does not hold up to my attempted lighting.

 

I read an article recently that revealed President Obama is mayo-phobic, just like myself. I was relieved because I like to let the Obamas dictate my culinary choices, as I cannot afford the Romneys’ taste.

 

To function optimally, I need at least 6 hours of sleep, in class.

 

I think it is great that so many college graduates leave the comforts of the States to teach English in some foreign country. But really, do underprivileged children need to learn from the spoils of the first world? Teaching children should never serve as a stepping stone or resume booster, unless of course it is to teach them how to hand pick organic cotton and sew those rompers for your small boutique in Bushwick.

 

Did you know that if you TextTwist ® “Romney” you get “RMoney”? Well, I did. This would make a great rap alter-ego if he were just a little less white. 

thoughts of the day

Eating meals has come down to whether I prefer to stuff my face and be social or to gorge in privacy.

I read an article recently about a study that showed people are often convinced that products with fancy names are of higher quality. How does one say “Two Buck Chuck” in French?

I am not even embarrassed in the least that at 21 years old, I still had my mom call my boss (after hours) to say I was sick so I could play hooky. But for some reason I was still convinced, as I was in Middle School, that someone was going to spot me in the movie theater.

I believe it is impolite to drool at the table, so I reserve my indecencies for the streets. Thank God for food trucks.

Yesterday I suffered major white girl problems: my Peter Pan collar kept popping. 

thoughts of the day

I came home from work today so ravenous that I spilled my food on the floor while eating. That was not a well-balanced meal.

They say a camera adds ten pounds. I believe my TV adds ten inches to all the Olympic gymnasts, because to me they seem normal-height. But I know they are not.

I realize that being a vegetarian was a missed steak. Though I rarely order a steak well done (puns intended).

I witnessed a gruesome fight in a candy store – those two poor suckers got licked.

Watching the Swedes participate in the Olympics makes me think not only: wow, those Swedes have strong athletes; but wow, are those names a joke? How can those strings of letters possibly represent any real humans? Did their parents guess letters at random, Wheel of Fortune style?

Maybe if Greece does well in the Olympics they can use some gold from their medals to pay off some debt. However, the world has a strong policy against accepting bronze in any barter.

I am going to create an erotic cooking show called Sir Loins. One episode will be dedicated to cheese, and I shall call it Fifty Shade of Whey. Another will be a whole episode based on Spotted Dick.

The sweetest pick up line I heard recently: you want a kid, I want a kid, it should be the same kid. The couple got married soon after.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

My mother keeps nagging me to find a boyfriend. I am pretty picky when it comes for men. I look for pity and a heart beat. But really, I am saving myself for Jesus.

thoughts of the day

He brought me into this world, so I’m going to take him out. To dinner, that is. Happy Father’s day!

My favorite film was a low budget film that garnered two Oscar nods. Not from the Academy, but from my two friends from school.

I saw a man on the bus today who I suspect was born when the Dead Sea was still alive.

According to statistics, relative risk is the ratio of the probability of an event occurring in the exposed group versus the non-exposed group. According to reality, relatives risk the probability of arrest occurring when they expose themselves.

There is an exception to every rule. Except that I rule.

I am no idiot. I just suffer occasionally from idiocy.

Shall I compare you to a summer’s day? Please do not, if you have a New York summer in mind: sweaty, cramped, and uncomfortable. Sounds more like a summer period.

My relationship to my parents is best described as a boomerang: I launch myself away with vigor. And then I stop and realize I’m lonely. And then I run back to them with full force.

My sister was sunburned terribly. I handed her some aloe and exclaimed, It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose. The reference was lost on her. So she got the hose. And oh how a stream of water aggravates a sunburn.